The Lives of me & My Eyes on the world Click Save to save your customization changes before editing the title and tagline. Photos mirror and 3 pics   Photo 1 of 3   More albums (23) mirror and 3 pics (3) May 15 back in the snow (train from south to north in winter) (9) May 15 reflexions (11) March 14 psycho cats (5) March 14 concert and bars (20) March 14 over nights (10) March 14 may in march and very lee (26) March 14 pieces and roads (27) March 14 in 2 days-the last bit of sweetness (16) February 19 four seasons and I (5) February 12 blown away (19) February 10 patches of milk (16) February 06 A thought for food (18) February 04 a morning and a quick day (26) January 31 quick thought to daVinci (18) January 31 un nouveau souffle (38) January 30 presents from a designer (3) January 29 different III (88) January 29 Different times different place II (112) January 29 different places different lives 1 (16) January 29 old pics(prior to 2006) (38) January 29 things on a first month (9) January 29 before the year of the dog (18) January 29 Music lists index Lists The Books Blog August 13 That was to be expected Long Gone since  my last post. I have trouble writting , the ink doesn t stick where it should...   Things have change, I live in confort  (no bed yet-since I dont like them) and something close to personal luxury. In masses of possibilities I choosed  myself a series of dreams a series of plan  and will make them a canvas for my life.   Lot of people fight without dream, fight for somebody else. I will fight for none but myself and --not even.     I have more faith than hopes. I will keep on posting.     8:44 PM | Add a comment | Read comments (4) | Permalink | Blog it April 16 not inter-really back i have a home now. it might be empty but its a home.   everyday i see the old chinese lady walking slowly to pick up veggies and bread. the sun in the sky seems to move faster than she does.   i wonder what kind of effort she is making , and why she is making it. stay another day?   students come back at 5am drunk like if there were no tomorrow. others rush up and fill themselves up with porridge and eggs to go on their daily money making task. by the time they finish their food she has made about 10meters...   obsolete. whatever the prizes the glories... the result is the same. what if only the story mattered. wether or not other saw it. dying is not bad altogether. what if she choosed to go a little further. not to stop by the market. to go to the cross road. and then a little farther, to the suburb, and far far away to the ocean what if she walked for the last time.... if she knew it was the last time.   maybe she already does. everyday picking up cabbage. her story after all. I am blind to see those pages fo her life that makes her do what she does.   day after day. she is still here. courage come only by fear.   courage to stay here- one more day, when the others try to forget and sink in dreams of eden and bacchus. ---------   i dont have internet home still maybe next week the classes of the martial art club have started. keeping me busy my wound is much better but still, i feel it sometimes i reached 46yuan in money all in all. what else... the story.... well it is being written. i am here another day 10:44 AM | Add a comment | Read comments (3) | Permalink | Blog it February 24 no times for ink thats it m out-   ill camp in that room tonight ve much to say but i lack of time see you in a month or so if i made enought for a room and a living 5:22 PM | Add a comment | Read comments (1) | Permalink | Blog it February 19 delicassies and a view on the world on of my favorite habbies was to sit somewhere and observe listen and watch their lives unfolded before me I m not sure ill be able to go to bellagio for a  while or any other fine restaurants but there are more than one sees in a simple street   I sat down shaving sides after sides of the sorbet with a pencil- a camera- my eyes and  hears I ve always been  a curious person but more that than the humming of those voices  reminds me of something in utero their voices slowly become like waves the place is warm unless i bend my mind i see nothing but the sea... 12:30 PM | Add a comment | Permalink | Blog it 2 pounds of lies - trickery and the sun still shines I made a phone call in that taxi yesterday and when i got off found out that not only my phone wasnt there but it was also turned off- thats for sitting in the  front of a 1.2 taxi and not taking the receipt/ No phone- I m not sure i can afford these days to buy a new phone without commiting to have just a few apples every day for the next month- although thinking of it it would not be so bad....   Much time for myself-these days- I m probably gonna cancel my trip  back to shaolin/chenjiagou for even if life is inexpensive there I still outof my bonds. No phone yet-  and internet and my  appartement will disappear next week. I ll try to put my stuff by some friends and camp in the room we alocated for training (after i sweep the floor, buy some incenses..). My waist is getting better- hopefully my self healing capabilities are quite high But ill need  to make some money- maybe  teach french to college student for  4eur an hour+Tea I cant just stay here not study-  and wait for things to happen    with their empty words i did a light for myself it s time for my own survival   out of -a childish- competition out of a whisper i clicked more than a thousand times on my post on thats bj. http://www.thatsbj.com/index.php?a=2&b=55682 at least with myself m leaving place for beijing's sexual craves; i know more what to expect. (I know what I carry on my back-  no need to remind me) 11:46 AM | Add a comment | Read comments (2) | Permalink | Blog it February 15 -Human s Emotions- In TCM its is said that emotionnal imbalance creates a good enviroment for diseases: excessive joy harms the  heart anxiety harms the spirit grief   anger  and  fear  are  even more  harmful   the Tcm way would be to use: fear against joy anger against anxiety joy against grief grief against  anger anxiety against fear   Imagine you one day- you would come  to that doctor exessively joyful -merry like drunk  its the dayafter valentine -your bf gave  you a dog a diamond and a car and you past your exams.   he would tell after taking  some of your blood for testing that more and more of his patients were found to have aids- he did not wash his hands- you  dont know why  but you keep at looking around and see the dust on the floor and the paint coming out the walls   after cheking up your pulse eyes and the rest he would tell you that you grandma just came ,that her heart is rather weak  and that she did not want to tell anyone.   after a night where you would  see your grandmother dying everytime  you dared  close  your eyes, you would come back exhausted  to your doctor.   Seeing you like this-he would  starting blaming your mum saying she was a slut and  that she could not take care of her own mum- your feeling a bit hot- your heart is pounding-  maybe you should just stab him. but then he would tell you that your grandma came and past away an hour ago...   Your feeling bad- very bad- its a bad day you cheer  up a bit when the doctor doesnt  make you pay  anything   you  come back home find your grandma  playing majhong with the neighbours.   !!         11:01 AM | Add a comment | Read comments (1) | Permalink | Blog it February 12 Body talks The cells will do their job they starve for life, they crave for movement I ll listen to them Animate my mind as a whole in the only purpose of aiming toward their need   they said- internet is nice but dont spend to much time on it they said- move but slowly these days for we havent closed ur wound yet they said- sit in the sun for we like it when you do they said- do not worry  about us and we wont worry about you   I told them I did not- I told them that even from motionlessness other doors appeared I told them ill seek the sun I told them I will use internet with care   Pain is just an idea to unsettle the mind- pain drifts away on my skin like water and dried by the sun i walk slowly 6:27 PM | Add a comment | Permalink | Blog it February 10 muscles bones and blood About ten days ago I was testing my aerobic capacities and my legs resitance by riding a bicycle for 10hours in a row reaching 350km and ....today- i can't even walk.   Torned muscles yesterday out of Grappling ( maybe i should  have been more conscious of last week pain).   Now I have trouble breathing and apply ice now and then on the side of my abs- i m not sure how long it will take to recover and how well can it recover- i trust  my body to do what it can- i will search for healing ways: not to loose muscular flexibility with the scar. But then the body is meant to be utterly destroyed- i guess i have  to change some of my plans oh well....     9:54 AM | Add a comment | Read comments (3) | Permalink | Blog it February 08 reveries from my moleskine:   Sous la vapeur les lampes jouent- les ombres dancent au loin avec les flocons Mon coeur- leger vole avec eux Alors que dans mes mains tiedes ils continuent de se poser En douceur     Mon coeur, mes amours laissez vous porter par les vents Au loin sous ses ailes les vents glacés d'Afrique les soleils, les lunes brulantes au loin perles et sourires   Au loin-  moi fils du vent  11:42 AM | Add a comment | Read comments (1) | Permalink | Blog it February 06 teeths beyong carnivorious, homnivorious, vegetarian,  vegan, rawfoodatarian, fruitarians and breatharians clichés there is something  i love in chinese restaurant: then inability to distinguish what is a vegetable.  Here is a few selected sentences:   "eggs is a vegetable" "bull's genital isnt meat" "it's not meat its CHICKEN" "You sure you dont eat pig?" "why are  you vegetarian (vegan), are you muslim?" "is there meat inside? -no -is there beef inside -yes.."   those leave me in a speechless marvel- once again i contemplate the beauty of languages.... 10:46 PM | Add a comment | Read comments (4) | Permalink | Blog it February 05 electronical relations Its true that now and then- you are happy to use msn for meeting new "friends". Though having looked  throughout those Hi5 , friendster and the rest- i came back with the following.   Using internet with old friends or family is a good way to keep contact. (i do that since i left for India when I was 18) Meeting New friend through Internet is hazardous. Although I have had some really good friend whom i met IRL most of people are ...    looking for a "cyber screw partner" (i m thinking of somebody that refuse any convertation when she finds out im not going to do anything alike)   looking for a flirt IRL (breaking out social bondaries and emotional forestall through the possibility of hiding oneself)   looking for love (and or marriage) The last limit of research before asking help to a professionnal. (those people end up very often with the previous)   looking for a way out of loneliness. Would say anything as long as they have a response. Having strong emotionnal inbalance and/or being depressed without any possibility to release their tension in daily life. (Those people tend to go into the two previous after a while)   looking for a way out of boredoom. Note quite as the previous- daily liife is fine but being stucked in an office room or on the net seems hardly bearable.   looking for pen pals/net friends. sharing ideas about the world, romance daily life- world war and so on- Some people have very similar lives or a contrario very different life and intent to learn through one other new perspectives.   looking for geniune friendship- A bit like marriage- but tend to have a slightly higher succeed rate.   ----- Other comments on internet behaviour- -politeness:  ability to evolve in a society and distinct feature of education. You have it or you have it not. personnaly i rank 93 percent of the people I have seen to be Impolite- and 15 percent of being rude. -freedom of speech: everybody has the right to express their own ideas- The more the ideas get personnal the more interesting they are. - Censorship: can I or can i not talk about this with this person because of her culture and so on. well I do- internet is meant, at least as i see it, to breack society circles and culural misunderstanding- being able to talk about anything is often a good sign -Identity: Even if I can understand the necessity of some whom for some reason change their identities (male looking for girls pretending to be girls, girls pretending to be top model, teenagers pretending to be over 18, porn software advertisement pretending to be human, "famous" people not really pretending to be famous) I must say that ,for me, It is rather confusing and boring not to have a "face" on the person- the above are often generated by mental weakness. -Adding friends on you List: some tend to think that those contact list are like a fridge- the more u put inside the better. some look for contacts but never contact them and  may even  ,if u try to contact them after they had added you ,  block-delete you.  -answering - I am bored- I am here but I dont reply unless something that m intersted about comes up. fair enought. But think that "pollite" ones might just say "I m sorry I can't talk to you right now". In any form of relationship silence is either neglect or communion.  You may have X reasons not to talk, to cancel me - but your mum probably did not do what my mum did. -nudge: nudge me i dont mind , i canceled that-- thats the opposite of previous behaviour and unless we are intimates, have slept together, or are going to and that you have something iimportt to say - you have no reason to shake my screen. -brain : when people say : "can u write chinese?" after a two hour long chat in chinese, or when people strictly have no clue what they are talking about and keep on talking--- makes me just censor myself so as not to be impolite.     Having seen all of these- I acknowledge that most of my time recently spent on the net ,if not for wikipedia and other websites, have been less thrilling that sitting for hours on a beijing bench.   Wish you all a good day 10:25 AM | Add a comment | Read comments (2) | Permalink | Blog it February 04 The limits of Humanity Beggars... Most of people pass by them without seeing -in big cities- the professionalism of certain of them (like talking only 5kuai bills) made us devellop tools like "i don't see you" or "run for your life". Certain of them seem not to do anything, just stay here- wait for food and money- half dead half alive like a modern form of parasite. Whether they are occasionals or life time beggars- they still die from cold and hunger- It is not that I pity them-  I do not have compassion. Con patere is to suffer with- i have no intention of suffering-   But I think its pretty stupid not to do anything-  why? because its family- there are some people You like some you dislike- you might have argument- but it s still family.    11:12 AM | Add a comment | Permalink | Blog it Soul and Death People who argues about those things hardly have aything else to do. In times of complete bliss I have never seen my soul- OBE have never seemed to occur outside myself (yet perhaps)- I have more the feeling of a vibration between all myself- with myself and with what is said as being outside myself. Extasy , bliss - everythingess seem to come out of that.   Who has knownn extasy cant really fear death whatever it means. If consciousness and ego get dissolved it means the one's death. Consciousness might merge into a more complex entity or might break and just traces of its energy ,Atma, might subsist.   Why so may words to try to control something that goes beyong the realms of consciousness.   Dying is something easily attainable and therefore not of utmost importance. To live well seems more difficult and pleasing at that time   Null n'oubli ses propres legendes ses Demons & Licornes Jusque dans la folie La vie ne prends son sens que s'ils sont chevauchés 10:54 AM | Add a comment | Permalink | Blog it world conspiration I always thought they were funny people plotting in your back from stealing your freedom and steam milk. The most drastic change in human society ,wether good or bad, always happened openly. The inability of Human  to react to  those choices make them predicatables.   but for all of the conspirators here is a link:   http://anonymouse.org/cgi-bin/anon-www.cgi/http://www.meta-religion.com/Secret_societies/Groups/Illuminati/illuminatie.htm   note for preventing anyone of knowing who you are I used a proxy server. 10:33 AM | Add a comment | Permalink | Blog it February 03 Anno Domini Nostri Iesus Christi I always wondered if most of historians were not too funds of dates and names to really grasp the practical value of Historical events. More than fantasy de nobis fabula narratur... Dates are changed and names replaced- words were quoted and never made... Imagination is the art of Creating with things that already existed : "Ex nihilo nihil fit".    exempli gratia :  Pythagoras never came up with Pythagorean theorem since it was known way before him (at least before 1900bc). Many mathematical formulas were found through self and exterior observation ex deo(some of them have been lost still -but might be resurrected in the future : like vedic math formulas)    The Mazarin bible wasnt the first printed book, historical statments are often based on number of believers which is ,excuse me, silly really . China did not create "noodles" nor "jianbing"- patriotic pride (even if already not sign of intellectual maturation)when pushed to this is just kleptomania.   Education- all our text books (even in europe-France have a good deal of those) have raised polemics- monosighted perception in hinders comprehension- there are always more than one thing happening truth if in human terminology is always plural thruth is not something in the act but also in the heart       credo quia absurdum 1:33 PM | Add a comment | Permalink | Blog it E G O "I am clever enought to know that I have ego I have enought ego to know who I am"   People look here and this page and come back with three things : -you love yourself... -its very sensual/sexual -are you gay?   No ,I am not gay  (and ,to be honest, I am not running after girls either although- I have lesbian tendencies)-Taking care of yourself doesnt means a choice in sexual orientation . The Content of those pages is not, at least for me, sexual or even sensual. If I am comming down to my skin Is merely that I am exposing myself -Hanuman opened is chest for Rama ,i cannot. Sensuality is either created when you hide something, or give less than expected. Here don't expect much...you'll see it less sensual My body is part of me as my wit is part of me- if i was to hide my wit it would just be that i am playing with it, and in a sense exposing it all the more- I love myself?  well hopefully a little bit- enought to maintain myself alive at least I  was born, I am- i cannot refuse the unity within me. I dont spend time in vanity, or narcissism- its useless I cant look for more in me than there is -   ego? ego defines you as an individual -it makes you yourself as opposed to the plant there inflated ego is more than narcissism- its dangerous for oneself and its a violent perception of nature  self deprived ego is to render yourself unapt to perform what you want to.   mono-ego and macro-ego: I am me- but it doesnt prevent me from thinking that I am also the plant, and the plant is also me.   If you cant see yourself in thoses pictures you can always come for modelling- although i am a convenient model, i dont despise hearing new stories.   10:55 AM | Add a comment | Read comments (2) | Permalink | Blog it February 02 surfing- sexuality internet and neopsychosis Everybody get those things or things alike:      "if you are a warm blooded male then you need a F*ckFriend http://www.seekerfriend.com"     or: " #1 IN MALE ENLARGEMENT 100% Satisfaction Guarantee!  If you don't get bigger you don't pay. You Have Nothing To Lose!"   then: "
Height	5' 11" (180 cm)
Body Type	Slim
Ethnic Origins	Asian
Hair	Black
Eyes	Brown
Scene	Casual
Out	Yes
Dick Size	Average
Cut/Uncut	Uncut
Body Hair	None/Little
Orientation	Gay
Role	Versatile
Safer Sex	Always
Smoke	No
Drink	No
Drugs	Never
I am a	Single Gay Man
Interested in meeting	Single Man, Gay Male Couple, Group
For	Friendship, 1-on-1 Sex, Group Sex
Between	18 & 60  years old

Diagnosis

Addiction involves aspects of compulsion or obsession: the addict 'cannot' stop (or cannot stay stopped), and suffers ill effects (social, economic, or other) traceable to the addiction. Such individuals do exist; on the other hand, not all users of pornography are addicts, any more than all users of alcohol are alcoholics.

The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders does not presently provide a formal definition for pornography addiction. Many informal "self-tests" have been written (for example, here), but do not appear to have been normed or statistically validated.

Formal criteria have been suggested along lines strictly analogous to the [DSM] criteria for alcohol and other substance addictions. See this article (online copy of Richard Irons, M. D. and Jennifer P. Schneider, M.D., Ph.D "Differential Diagnosis of Addictive Sexual Disorders Using the DSM-IV." In Sexual Addiction & Compulsivity 1996, Volume 3, pp 7-21, 1996). They cite Goodman (1990), who compared the DSM criteria lists for various addictive disorders and derived these general characteristics:

1. Recurrent failure to resist impulses to engage in a specified behavior.
2. Increasing sense of tension immediately prior to initiating the behavior.
3. Pleasure or relief at the time of engaging in the behavior.
4. At least five of the following:
   1. Frequent preoccupation with the behavior or with activity that is preparatory to the behavior.
   2. Frequent engaging in the behavior to a greater extent or over a longer period than intended.
   3. Repeated efforts to reduce, control, or stop the behavior.
   4. A great deal of time spent in activities necessary for the behavior, engaging in the behavior, or recovering from its effects.
   5. Frequent engaging in the behavior when expected to fulfill occupational, academic, domestic or social obligations.
   6. Important social, occupational, or recreational activities given up or reduced because of the behavior.
   7. Continuation of the behavior despite knowledge of having a persistent or recurrent social, financial, psychological, or physical problem that is caused or exacerbated by the behavior.
   8. Tolerance: need to increase the intensity or frequency of the behavior in order to achieve the desired effect, or diminished effect with continued behavior of the same intensity.
   9. Restlessness or irritability if unable to engage in the behavior.
5. Some symptoms of the disturbance have persisted for at least one month, or have occurred repeatedly over a longer period of time.

These criteria can be applied to almost any behavior, and would seem to characterize an excessive and uncontrollable involvement regardless of the particular behavior. They thus provide one reasonable definition of what a pornography addiction would be.

Dr. Victor Cline (see here) provides a model of pornography addiction with 4 progressive steps:

• Addiction - A person compulsively views pornography.
• Escalation - As time progresses, the addict requires more extreme, more deviant material to get the same effect and satisfy the compulsions.
• Desensitization - The addict loses their perception of what is socially acceptable. Illegal material or those considered taboo, immoral, or repulsive seems "normal."
• Acting out sexually - "...an increasing tendency to act out sexually the behaviors viewed in the pornography, including compulsive promiscuity, exhibitionism, group sex,voyeurism, frequenting massage parlors, having sex with minor children, rape, and inflicting pain on themselves or a partner during sex." (www.setfreeporn.com/progression.htm)

It is important to note that this does not say a person will eventually trace all four of these steps.What it says is, they form a continuum that can be seen amongst many addicts, and of these, a few may attempt over time to act out their addiction for real.

Patrick Carnes has published extensive analyses of sexual addiction, including specific behavioral and psychological criteria (see reference and quotations at sexual addiction). Virtually all sexual addicts use pornography; however, not all pornography users are sexual addicts.

A diagnosis of sexual addiction should not be made using a simple checklist, but by a psychologist or psychiatrist expert in the treatment of addictive disorders. Carnes and Cline note that such an addiction (like others), is very difficult to overcome without strong support and help.

Overcoming addiction

According to the University of Texas at Dallas Student Counseling Center self-help library page on pornography addiction, one of the great rewards of overcoming a pornography addiction is the ability to be fully committed to another person in a loving way, having nothing to hide and enjoying great intimacy. [1]. Many pornography addicts have recounted stories of trying to quit, and then, believing they had overcome the addiction, deciding to sample it one more time. For a true addict, one image can be enough to trigger an escalating pornography binge lasting several hours[2].

Numerous websites have been founded to provide support to pornography addicts. Convenant Eyes Internet Accountability, for instance, has created software that allows addicts to link up with an accountability partner, who will automatically receive an emailed report of his internet activity (www.no-porn.com/ce.html). E-cards are also available to help addicts' significant others say, "Please get help for your pornography addiction"[3].

Some things you may want to try:

1. Place your computer in a high traffic area (Kitchen, Living Room, etc.)
2. Get an internet filter
3. Get rid of any pornography that you are currently in possession of

Online pornography addiction

Online pornography addiction is a type of pornography addiction in which the user obtains the pornography through the Internet.

Those who believe in the concept of online pornography addiction argue that it is stronger, and more addictive, than ordinary pornography addiction because of the wide availability, increasingly hardcore nature of the content available, and the privacy that viewing online offers.

Allegations of connections between pornography and violence

It has been claimed that a small number of people who view pornography develop addictions which lead to violent and anti-social behavior. Pornography addictions have been linked to the enactments of serious crimes, notably in the cases of Ted Bundy and David Berkowitz. However, these links are disputed by some, since they come primarily from the criminals themselves, who have a vested interest in shifting the blame for their actions. No reputable study has uncovered a link between pornography and violence, including some which hypothesized and expected to prove such a connection,such as those of the Meese Commission.

See also

• pictophilia
• philosophy of sex
• sexual addictions
• Celibacy
• Sexual morality
• Craving
• Procrastination

Further reading

• The Skinner Box Effect : Sexual Addiction and Online Pornography, Thomas M. Grunder, ISBN 0595093248

External links

• Higher-Calling.com - Christ-centered help for sexual addiction
• Breaking Pornography Addiction
• Free e-cards for pornography addicts and the people who love them, Fires of Darkness.
• Treatment and Healing of Sexual and Pornographic Addictions - Dr. Victor B. Cline
• Can Intimacy be Found Online? - from pornography recovery website PureIntimacy.org
• Differential Diagnosis of Addictive Sexual Disorders Using the DSM-IV by Richard Irons, M.D. and Jennifer Schneider, M.D., Ph.D.
• The Harmful Effects of Pornography by Paul J. McGeady describes Dr. Victor B. Cline's stages of porn addiction in more detail.
• How I Broke My Sexual Addiction, Exchanged Life.
• The Science Behind Porn Addiction: Senate Counter-Arguments, Lawrence G. Walters, Adult Video News Online, Dec. 2, 2004.
• Alvin Cooper et al.: Sexuality on the Internet: From Sexual Exploration to Pathological Expression
• Overcoming Pornography Addiction, University of Texas at Dallas Student Counseling Center.
• Setting Captives Free - A free Christian-oriented online help forum and interactive courses that caters to pornography addicts.

For online pornography addiction:

• Can Intimacy be Found Online? - from pornography recovery website PureIntimacy.org
• Moderated newsgroup: alt.sex.addiction.recovery.moderated
• Toxic Porn, Toxic Sex: A Real Look at Pornography
• Free information about porn and sexual addictions.
• Big Online Business Becoming Big Problem for Many
• The cures for pornography addiction by Rick Doder.
• The Porn Addiction Cycle
• The Porn Factor